Thursday, July 28, 2005

On secrets...

People say there should be no secrets in a relationship. I find this persuasive. But I think there must be exceptions, because people need to hold onto some individual space as well. The question an individual must decide is where to draw the line between secrets that damage or are an affront to trust, and little innocuous pockets of personal space.

Friends who are the opposite sex are a good example. Especially if you know they find you attractive, or vice versa. Another is fantasising, another onanism.

So what about secret diaries? My partner used to keep one, and was appalled that her ex looked in it one day. I have never looked to see if she still keeps one; she has said she doesn't, but if she felt the need I would understand and respect her privacy.

What about one that is secret from your partner, but shared with many others, like a blog? This blog?

I don't think I could write frankly if my fiance was reading over my shoulder, as it were. Yet I like the idea of having a blog, because I need to discuss things with people outside my group.

I especially need the counsel of women. Before this relationship I was single most of the time, and the bulk of my friends were women. I would discuss all personal issues with them as a matter of course- large quantities of coffee and wine were sacrificed. Now I mostly catch up with women as part of a couple, and most of my friends time is spent with men. At times, especially these sort of times, I miss the sagely female advice.

Am I keeping an unreasonable secret?

Would your answer change if I said I plan to give my beloved a bound printout as a gift the day we get back from honeymoon? I'm uncertain how she'll respond, but I think she'll end up liking it. Assuming I don't have a change of heart. About the printout, that is!

At least, unlike Nikki Gemmell, I'm not venting fantasies about having affairs or whining about how boring my partner is.


Anonymous said...

1. "the bulk of my friends were women. I would discuss all personal issues with them as a matter of course- large quantities of coffee and wine were sacrificed." . . . and it has never occurred to you that any or all of them had a crush on you?
2. One morning Grigor Samsa awoke to find he had turned into an insect . . NO not that one.
One morning I awoke because my cat was on my chest, one eye opens, focusses, cat has mouse in mouth. He is going 'Thrrrrp Thrrrrp' and SO pleased with himself. So thrilled to share his wonderful thing with me, The Wielder Of The Can Opener,the main thing in his life.

Bridezilla loves the You that she knows about. The Other You is Another You - and may not be so appealing.

On the other hand, if she hates what she finds, and runs away, you will save decades of merely tolerating each other.
I concede. This is a bigger question than divorced me can answer.

Anonymous said...

I think she may well appreciate that you used this place to vent instead of turning frustrations you had on her. But then, I'm relatively new to this whole "relationship" shebang so I may be wrong. If I was her, that's how I'd look at it.

Armagnac Esq said...

-"it has never occurred to you that any or all of them had a crush on you?"-

Except in a couple of cases, nah. I'm no Robbie Williams/Gael Garcia...

Anonymous said...

'except in A couple OF CASES' ??? HOW MANY DID YOU WANT.

re my mouse-as-gift story above - I know you are clever enough to figure out that I was trying to show that Bridezilla could possibly ( a long shot but it is possible) view the gift of your cumulative thoughts (ie: The Compleat Groomblog), the same way that I viewed that anon brun

Armagnac Esq said...

Indeed I did, and it was a good story.

How many? How long is a piece of string? =)

LadyCracker said...

Groomzilla I err on the side of no printout for honeymoon.

Aren't you writing this blog as a releif for the pre wedding anxieties, plans etc?

Armagnac Esq said...

I am, and as a forum for expression. I guess I struggle with secret stuff- my other option would be to turn this into a general personal blog.

Previously I've had a mixed pol...ah, see where I'm up to, I'm gonna make this into a post.

miaballerina said...

Personally, I see no fault in you keeping a blog, to "vent". You're not disclosing anything too personal, and not releasing contact information, so I see no problem.

I'm enjoying reading this. Thanks for letting me find out about it :)

Anonymous said...

As someone who's recovering from being cheated on (adulterated?), I can tell you that the psychologists who write about this stuff think it's a bit of a red flag if you make a habit of discussing your marriage and its problems with women. (Or men, if you're a woman, of course.)
Unfortunately, "working on it" is necessary, in this time in history. "Being Soul Mates 4 Eva" just doesn't cut it I'm afraid. You have to be more open within the marriage and more guarded out of it, for it to work.

Anonymous said...

^^ nice blog!! ^@^

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