Sunday, July 24, 2005

It's all completely unimportant

Irrelevant nothings: Beloved's mother threw a bit of a turn, but it has been placated. I start a new job tomorrow, with more pay and responsibility doing something I've wanted to try for ages. Bought a new suit from Marcs to celebrate. We met with a travel agent about the honeymoon. I was physically present. But my soul was confronting the difference between importance and irrelevance, and it hurt like razor blades.

We've had our second visit from mortality this year. This time she had the scare. We had to wait two days for the GPs to get their fucking priorities right and see her. She'd mentioned having concerns for a couple of weeks; I'd said go see a doctor, but played down the significance, played up the denial.

Then I realised this could be happening, it could be the worst, and the switch was thrown.

So we're suit shopping, she's getting into it, being supportive and beautiful as always, and I'm barely taking in whether I like the colours or not, trying to keep a calm exterior- it's not about you, it's about her, stop being selfish- while feeling like punching a wall until my arms are bloody stumps with rage at the utter unfairness of life and the impotence I feel in the face of such a dirty, unconfrontable enemy.

I've spent 32 years finding her, any other life is inconceivable.

I lay beside her, the cat purring into our legs, my hand on her ribs willing all the love I can muster into her. I pray with the apologetic desperation of the agnostic confronted with the hopelessness of eternal death. My surface is calm, inside I cry for hours.

Today the GP gave her a cautious thumbs-up. I was overwhelmed with happiness, though she needs a test and anything is still possible. When you are in this place all positive news is incredibly good news. You latch onto it like a bush sticking out of a cliff.

If any relatives give her any grief in the next few days, they can fucking stay home and read about the wedding courtesy of a signed print out of this website. With a turd wrapped in the middle.


boynton said...

You write about such important things, about being "in this place" so well.
My thoughts are with your beloved - and you. Take care.

Armagnac Esq said...

Thanks B, on all counts..

Anonymous said...

I'm so glad she is okay. My thoughts are with the both of you.


Zoe said...

glad to hear she's well

keep hold of this bit - you'll be needing to remind yourself from time to time when the 'lations go mental

Mallrat said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Armagnac Esq said...

=) Thanks all for your support.. all is good, as next post shows.

Armagnac Esq said...

Sorry ratty, thanks for your nice comment, ultra sorry to remove it- just I am staying anonymous for the time being with this one so I don't want my real name on the site anywhere. For now...

But please don't be put off commenting!