Thursday, June 28, 2007

How to be a perfect parent

...the accumulated wisdom of my observation of others and receipt of their generously-offered advice...

Buy a $1700 pram that Choice says is unsafe for kids. Sneer at anyone without one. That'll make you look smart.

Don't wake baby up if she is sleeping past her usual getting-up time, that's just cruel, waking a baby. Like flailing them with a cattle whip, but far worse.

Don't sing them songs you like, or anything with more than 2-3 words or notes. If you do you are just being selfish. Everyone knows kids exposed to complex music and melodies grow up musically retarded. It says so in this book right here by Dr Foncilot Krunt who lectures at UCLA.

Take lessons in parenting from wound up tightwads who shout at their kids twice per minute.

Your kids need a big backyard more than they need you. Commute an extra hour, you're only working 10 hours every day and missing bathtime at the moment.

Still on the music thing, here's further proof, if only they hadn't been exposed to so much adult music in early childhood Prince, Mozart, and Bjork might have become famous musicians, instead of. Stuff.

If a baby cries there's something wrong with them.

A bit of chub on their cheeks at 6 months and they are going to be fat and have body image related unhappiness. On the other hand having rude relatives who call people fat will not ever give a girl body image issues.

... and final wisdom dawning...

People who make uninvited rude comments are always the last to work out why they don't get many visits.

Grouchy rants aside, a Bear is doing very well, she has a huge smile and the biggest eyelashes around her great blue eyes that a proud dad has ever seen. Beloved and I are well. Still sans house. C'est la vie....


Anonymous said...

Sounds like you're getting the balance just about right.

Boysenberry said...

Gawd, that brought back so many memories. Things don't change.

Anonymous said...

That's a wonderful post, and you are a wonderful mum and dad.

Cast Iron Balcony

cristy said...

Don't dress her in blue or she will be a boy.

Don't hold her too much.

Don't take her out in the cold, ever.


Thanks for that. Glad to hear that it drives someone else crazy.

Anonymous said...

As I tell friends who become parents: listen to everything you're told by other parents, then ignore it, and do what you think is right.

Ann ODyne said...

A 'house' is not a home.

Today I met a 2-year old cursed with one of those Alpha-Mothers.
I felt so sad for him.
She is programming him instead of raising him, and 25 years from now, some poor young woman will be having to put up with the resultant phobias.
Do it your way Armaniac!

BwcaBrownie said...

it's been a quiet fortnight since that remark by anodyne Annie ... (well not at the Bracks house though, speaking of which, I saw that weary old slag Loueze Asha on the news tonight explaining why her fearless leader ted baillieu had not phoned Premier Brumby with congratulations -
"we're not making lovey-dovey phone calls here" - was her sound-bite.
Missed a career in the Diplomatic Corps I think).

Anonymous said...

^^ nice blog!! ^@^

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