Thursday, June 28, 2007

How to be a perfect parent

...the accumulated wisdom of my observation of others and receipt of their generously-offered advice...

Buy a $1700 pram that Choice says is unsafe for kids. Sneer at anyone without one. That'll make you look smart.

Don't wake baby up if she is sleeping past her usual getting-up time, that's just cruel, waking a baby. Like flailing them with a cattle whip, but far worse.

Don't sing them songs you like, or anything with more than 2-3 words or notes. If you do you are just being selfish. Everyone knows kids exposed to complex music and melodies grow up musically retarded. It says so in this book right here by Dr Foncilot Krunt who lectures at UCLA.

Take lessons in parenting from wound up tightwads who shout at their kids twice per minute.

Your kids need a big backyard more than they need you. Commute an extra hour, you're only working 10 hours every day and missing bathtime at the moment.

Still on the music thing, here's further proof, if only they hadn't been exposed to so much adult music in early childhood Prince, Mozart, and Bjork might have become famous musicians, instead of. Stuff.

If a baby cries there's something wrong with them.

A bit of chub on their cheeks at 6 months and they are going to be fat and have body image related unhappiness. On the other hand having rude relatives who call people fat will not ever give a girl body image issues.

... and final wisdom dawning...

People who make uninvited rude comments are always the last to work out why they don't get many visits.

Grouchy rants aside, a Bear is doing very well, she has a huge smile and the biggest eyelashes around her great blue eyes that a proud dad has ever seen. Beloved and I are well. Still sans house. C'est la vie....